Sunday, April 09, 2017

Being Hurt is Just a Normal Thing



I may seem happy outside just because I laugh a lot but, NO.


Since I was a child I was never genuinely happy. I have never gotten a surprise birthday by my parents / family. When I was young, I used to have little birthday celebrations but that happened only twice, and it was an idea of my father's sister just for the sake of publicity. You might say "what the hell, why do you want a birthday party when some people don't even have money to buy food." No, I never said I wanted a huge glamorous celebration. What I mean with surprise birthday celebration is, waking up at 12am because your parents were so loud singing a happy birthday to you while holding one balloon and one small cupcake saying "make a wish and blow this candle." Is that too much to ask for? I bet anyone could afford a balloon and a small cupcake with a candle on top of it. I never wanted a huge celebration or anything, just the simplest thing where all of us are happy. When I transferred here in Cebu, I always celebrated my birthday alone or never did I celebrate it. Sometimes I get jealous of this friend of mine from Tandag, whose parents always visit her here just to celebrate her birthdays, them having dinner together. But me? Nah, forget it. I didn't wanna bother them because they'll just gonna say "I still have work," "the plane tickets are expensive," so on and so forth. That is why my birthday is just a normal boring day. Also, when I graduated from elementary, high school and college my parents / family have never ever given me a bouquet of flowers or garlands. I used to be so jealous of my classmates and schoolmates because their parents were waiting for them to give them their bouquet of flowers and garlands. But me? I got nothing, not even a "congratulations" from them, not a hug and not a kiss. All I wanted was to feel special on my special day, a single rose or one garland would've made me the happiest person that day. In addition, I have never gotten a Christmas present from my parents. Yes they would say that "money will do" but NO! Parents should give their children something that they will treasure for the rest of their lives, something that will give them memories from their parents, that whenever they look at it or touch it, they think of their loved ones.

Talking about my grandparents, uncles and aunts. To be honest? I am not close with them, they have never given me memories that I will treasure forever. Maybe mommy (mama's mother) did, because she was the one who taught me how to read and everything, but she was never sweet with me, however the knowledge that she passed unto me will be kept in my heart forever. While my grandparents from my father's side? No. I have never felt acknowledged or loved by them. I have never even received a gift from them while my cousins did, they even threw them birthday celebrations every month before turning one year old, and every year after that, but me? Hahah they never did. I have no intention of hurting my cousins feelings because I love them, but that's the truth. My grandparents from my father's side's attention has always been to my first cousins. My uncles and aunts love them so much but not me. I was always the "ugly duckling" in the family. Someone who will never be good enough.

But that's okay, I am used to it. That is why whenever I fall in love with someone and they left me devastated. I could recover easily, for the reason that I have always been hurt so many times in my life, that being hurt is just a normal thing.

I accept that I will never get a surprise birthday, a bouquet of flowers, garlands and a christmas present from my family. I accept that they will never support me from my passion. But all I am asking is for them to stop making my life miserable. That they will stop lecturing me who's good for me or who's not. That they will stop me from forcing to be with someone I don't even like. I am twenty fucking three and I know who I like, who I want to be with, who's good for me and who's not. Why would I be with someone I don't even love? And why would I be with someone whom I don't see a future with? I am old enough to know the differences between good and bad. Parents / family, are supposed to be the one who's gonna teach me to follow my heart but why would they be the one to cut me from what's making me happy? Please stop this madness. I will never be with someone I don't love and I will never be with someone who couldn't feed me. I don't want to end up like my parents who stayed just because of marriage but doesn't even love each other genuinely. I know I will find someone who is going to fill this emptiness of love that my parents/family have never given me since I was brought to this earth. Dear parents/grandparents/uncles/aunts, please stop controlling me, you are wasting your energy owing to the fact that I can never be controlled. Stop this since I still consider you as my family because if you do this over and over again, I will never talk to you anymore. MARK MY WORDS.

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